Are You Dealing With A Bully?
Do you have someone in your life who seems to delight in making you miserable? Have you tried everything to turn this situation around and nothing seems to help?
YOU COULD BE DEALING WITH A BULLY...
The "Bully" Quiz
Think of someone who consistently causes you to feel confused, wrong, bad or small.
Then read through the following questions and score each question on a scale of 1-5, with 1 = "almost never" and 5 = "almost always".
Do you "talk on eggshells" around this person & watch everything you say because you never know what's going to trigger a tantrum or make him or her mad?
Does this person have to be in charge? Do they insist on controlling the situation and attack anyone who dares question their judgment, authority or story?
Is this person arrogant? Do they think they know everything? Do they have to be right? Do they act condescending or superior and often put others down?
Do you find that you are happier when you're NOT around this person? Do you feel more free to be your authentic self without fear of criticism or judgement?
Does this person like to tease or insult you, but then say, "Just kidding" -- or make passive-aggressive statements that wound you but then plays innocent?
Does this person find fault with everyone EXCEPT themselves? If something goes wrong, do they blame others instead of apologizing, being accountable & taking responsibility?
Does this person play martyr or victim? If they are feeling unhappy, angry, lonely, abandoned, unappreciated, etc... Do they seem to always make it YOUR fault and try to make you feel bad, guilty or sorry for them?
Does this person indulge in "crazy-making" behavior - like making & breaking promises or claiming they never made them in the first place? Do they twist things around and then accuse you of overreacting?
Does this person back you down by crowding you, towering over you, getting in your face, or physically intimidating you so you're afraid of them or fearful that they may become verbally or physically abusive?
Does this person have a Jekyll-Hyde personality that they turn on and off? They can be charming one moment and cruel the next? You often feel off balance because you never know who you'll get?
TOTAL SCORE = 0 - 25
If the challenging person in your life scores 0-25, you are likely NOT dealing with a bully. This person may have bad moods or bad days, however they will most likely respond in kind (we love that phrase). They are also likely to respond to rational, reasonable approaches to reach win-win solutions. They ultimately care about what's fair, are open to feedback and will usually take responsibility for their behavior and choose to act in good conscience in the future.
TOTAL SCORE = 25+
Uh oh. It looks like you've got a full-blown bully on your hands. Learn exactly what to say and do to keep this bully from running and ruining your life. In the video below you'll learn how to gain the clarity and courage to reclaim your quality of life even if the bully is your boss, business partner, or life partner. Note: if you are at risk please contact The National Domestic Violence (800) 799-7233 or The National Organization for Victim Assistance hotline (800) 870-6682
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES
If You're Dealing With A Bully
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EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND SAY to successfully deal with a bully.
What this means is that all your well-intended attempts to reach out to them with sensitive, diplomatic appeals to their good nature will backfire because you are giving them exactly what they want – time, attention, sympathy and power. Compassion and kindness FEED and REWARD their need to control and manipulate.
You must understand, creating distress, chaos and outrage is their way of controlling the agenda, being the center of attention, and pulling you off center.
We know how disillusioning it is to realize that all of your well-meaning attempts to “make peace” with this person actually makes things worse and perpetuates the problem.
However, please understand that continuing to reach out to this person, tip-toe around him/her, or trying to set an example of kindness and ‘be the change you wish to see” achieves the bully’s goal – which is to have you cater to him/her.
Their goal is to dominate your thoughts and have you continue to bend over backwards to try to figure out how to make things better. Things never get better with bullies.
The good news is, you DON’T have to abandon your integrity, compromise your values or resort to unethical behavior.
A great place to start understanding bullies behavior is to educate yourself so you can recognize it and not engage with it. Check out the book “Take the Bully By the Horns” which will teach you how to RECOGNIZE the issues and then how to STAND UP and SPEAK UP for yourself.
Bullies Use Weaknesses Against You
Bullies have a talent for ferreting out your emotional Achilles Heel and hobbling you with it. If you don’t want to be considered selfish, they’ll call you selfish. If you’re unsure of your parenting or supervisory skills, they’ll attack your parenting skills or call you a bad leader. This is the classical Machiavellian method of preying on your weaknesses so you’re impotent (lacking power or strength) and they’re omnipotent (having unlimited influence or authority). Their goal is to make you doubt yourself so you’re vulnerable to their attempts to intimidate you.
Bullies Love to Play Martyr
Does he or she try to lay on the guilt trip by saying things like, “Go ahead and go out with your friends. I don’t mind. I mean, who wants to spend time with an old fogie like me anyway? I’m sure I’ll find something to do.” Does this person play the long-suffering individual who’s unappreciated? Is it a common theme that s/he is the only one holding the office together and everyone else is frivolous, hedonistic, incompetent, or selfish?
Bullies are Super Possessive
Someone who comes on strong and wants (or has!) to be with you constantly is showing a dangerous need to have you all to him or herself. Possessiveness is defined as “a desire to own or dominate.” Bullies often don’t have many (or any) friends of their own which means they grow to resent your other relationships. Does this person pout or try to make you feel guilty for abandoning him or her when you spend time with others? Bullies are so insecure they see everyone you spend time with as competition and as a threat to their dominance.
Bullies Hold You Responsible For Their Moods
Does this person blame you for his or her unhappiness? If they’re sad, it’s because you didn’t ask about their day? If they’re depressed, it’s because you don’t take them anywhere anymore? If they’re angry, it’s because you said something that provoked them? There will be no pleasing this kind of person. They essentially haven’t grown up, and never will as long as they continue holding everyone else but themselves accountable for how they feel.
What People Say About
"Never Be Bullied Again"
Bullies Are Perfectionists
Does this person take umbrage if you dare dispute his or her facts or opinions? Does s/he come across as a “know-it-all” who has to have all the answers? Bullies can’t stand to be challenged because they’re afraid their “power-house of cards” could come falling down. Their “my way or the highway” communication style is based on their need to be in control and beyond reproach.
Bullies Hate to Have Their Authority Questioned
Does this person take umbrage if you dare dispute his or her facts or opinions? Does s/he come across as a “know-it-all” who has to have all the answers? Bullies can’t stand to be challenged because they’re afraid their “power-house of cards” could come falling down. Their “my way or the highway” communication style is based on their need to be in control and beyond reproach.
If you disagree with this person, does he or she escalate their intensity in an effort to force you to concede? If so, it means that every conversation is going to turn into a verbal battleground. It means this person will start disparaging your intelligence, expertise, and experience so you no longer know what you know and won’t have the intellectual confidence to challenge them.
Bullies Tell Lies, Lies, Lies
Mark Twain once commented that “Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.” Does that description fit the person you’re dealing with? Does he or she self-aggrandize and exaggerate his or her achievements? In order to win respect, bullies often claim to have been to places they’ve never been, boast of knowing people they’ve never met, and excel at things they’ve never tried.
Bullies Constantly Find Fault
“A critic is someone who’s at his best when you’re at your worst.” -Tony Pelleto
Verbal bullies do their best to make you feel worse. They always focus on what you do wrong, never on what you do right.
TRUSTED BY
Order your copy of
Take The Bully By The Horns
by Sam Horn
If you are, in fact, dealing with a bully… This book can help you determine if it’s possible for this relationship to get better.
If so, you’ll learn exactly what to say or do to motivate this person to treat you with the respect you want, need and deserve.
